I HAVE Changed…

I’ve started this blog over and over because I felt like I wasn’t using the right words. This is attempt number 7, and I’ve  decided that I’m going to type whatever is on my mind. Hopefully, it comes out right.

In the last year, I found that I have distanced myself from quite a few people. I’ve distanced myself from people I felt like wanted to keep me in a box that I was no longer willing to be contained in. I distanced myself from people that I felt I had to walk on eggshells with. People I felt like I had to act a certain way so that I wouldn’t hear things like “there she goes again, always getting mad, etc., etc.” People I felt like, no matter how much I grew never saw my progress, but were quick to point out my flaws.

In my adolescence, I was a very hurt person, and I did what hurt people do…which was to hurt people. I had a very short temper, and I used anger to ward people away from me. I thought that being rigid and rude was a sign of strength, and never letting people see me be soft, feminine, or compassionate meant that I was the stuff.

The day I became a mother, I KNEW that I could not go on like this.

After having the twins, I knew that adolescent me was not the mother they needed. I knew that I didn’t want them to grow up in my hurt. I decided to take off my mask of anger and let the me that was hiding behind my mask shine through. This was a HUGE for me. For the last 11 years, I have been on a journey to the center of myself. I learned to let go of all my anger, and my fears, and I let the true me shine through.The happy, positive, vibrant, and fun-loving, the me that wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, the me that wasn’t afraid of my emotions, or even ask for help.

It bothers me that even though I’ve come so far, some people still hold  on to who I was as a teenager. It bothers me that instead of seeing that I am blossoming into a phenomenal woman, they still choose to see me as an angry teenager. Yesterday, I accepted it that what people people’s opinion of me is not my cross to bear. How they perceive me has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. If my angry teenage days hurt you in anyway, I ask that you forgive me. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me, I understand. But I’ve forgiven myself.

After my father passed, I took it upon myself to emulate him. As I said before, I am still a work in progress, I will always be a work in progress; but I hope that my efforts make him proud. I hope that when he looks down on me from heaven, he can smile and say “she’s becoming exactly who I knew she would be.” Knowing my dad, he’d probably say that he is already proud of me. And that my friends, is everything to me.

I’ve come accept that growth is personal–it is something that you have to choose to do for YOU. I’ve come to accept it that people will critique, but your growth is not hinged on their approval. Your growth is not for everyone to witness or even understand. Your growth is yours, and yours alone. So keep on climbing and allowing yourself to blossom into the beautiful flower that you were planted to be.

Sending you love and light,

-C

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. You know I have always been a fan of yours and I’m glad you are back.
    I would say write for yourself (whatever comes to mind) and as long as it cones from the heart, how could it ever be wrong. There won’t be a need to change or redo again.
    I sense your pain and withdrawal from others in my case was not a decision I wanted to make, but something society pushed me into. Don’t blame yourself and remember that you did the best you knew how at the time. We grow and we learn with time and even though we might do some things a little different this time around, everything happens for a reason and made us who we are today. Much love to you my dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m happy to be back! I know I have a lot of catching up to do on your blogs!

      Thank you very much for your sincere advice! You are very right, that we do the best we can in the heat of the moment and that everything happens for a reason. I definitely feel like I had to go through that “bad” phase to become “good.” I’m sorry society forced you to withdraw. I hate so much of these silly norms it places on us. What I do love though is how AMAZING of a person your strives have made you. I love reading your blogs! You sure do know fill me with love and light. Thank you, my wonderful friend!! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much Clarissa this means so much to me. I may have withdrawn a bit and become more introverted, but that is only around people who would not give me the time of day. In a way it is good like this as in sided effort is most always a waste. Around the right people and my tribe, the ones who allow me to flourish and be myself, I come to life the effort is channeled into the right direction. And again it is that sometimes we do have to look inward in order to be good on the outside. Just like you said, you had to have that experience in order to value the difference and become good. Our strives and adversities place us at a crossroads and it is up to us to let learn from it or to let it define us. You are well on your way dear and I’m proud of you never losing sight of the light. Hugs

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