I’ve started this blog over and over because I felt like I wasn’t using the right words. This is attempt number 7, and I’ve decided that I’m going to type whatever is on my mind. Hopefully, it comes out right.
In the last year, I found that I have distanced myself from quite a few people. I’ve distanced myself from people I felt like wanted to keep me in a box that I was no longer willing to be contained in. I distanced myself from people that I felt I had to walk on eggshells with. People I felt like I had to act a certain way so that I wouldn’t hear things like “there she goes again, always getting mad, etc., etc.” People I felt like, no matter how much I grew never saw my progress, but were quick to point out my flaws.
In my adolescence, I was a very hurt person, and I did what hurt people do…which was to hurt people. I had a very short temper, and I used anger to ward people away from me. I thought that being rigid and rude was a sign of strength, and never letting people see me be soft, feminine, or compassionate meant that I was the stuff.
The day I became a mother, I KNEW that I could not go on like this.
After having the twins, I knew that adolescent me was not the mother they needed. I knew that I didn’t want them to grow up in my hurt. I decided to take off my mask of anger and let the me that was hiding behind my mask shine through. This was a HUGE for me. For the last 11 years, I have been on a journey to the center of myself. I learned to let go of all my anger, and my fears, and I let the true me shine through.The happy, positive, vibrant, and fun-loving, the me that wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, the me that wasn’t afraid of my emotions, or even ask for help.
It bothers me that even though I’ve come so far, some people still hold on to who I was as a teenager. It bothers me that instead of seeing that I am blossoming into a phenomenal woman, they still choose to see me as an angry teenager. Yesterday, I accepted it that what people people’s opinion of me is not my cross to bear. How they perceive me has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with them. If my angry teenage days hurt you in anyway, I ask that you forgive me. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive me, I understand. But I’ve forgiven myself.
After my father passed, I took it upon myself to emulate him. As I said before, I am still a work in progress, I will always be a work in progress; but I hope that my efforts make him proud. I hope that when he looks down on me from heaven, he can smile and say “she’s becoming exactly who I knew she would be.” Knowing my dad, he’d probably say that he is already proud of me. And that my friends, is everything to me.
I’ve come accept that growth is personal–it is something that you have to choose to do for YOU. I’ve come to accept it that people will critique, but your growth is not hinged on their approval. Your growth is not for everyone to witness or even understand. Your growth is yours, and yours alone. So keep on climbing and allowing yourself to blossom into the beautiful flower that you were planted to be.
Sending you love and light,